PPD & PPA
I wanted to do a journal to spread awareness of my new tattoos that I recently got since giving birth to my son 4 months ago. Since my son's birth, I developed a severe case of post-partum depression (PPD) and the not so talked about because noone looks for the red flags when they do the screening process; which is post-partum anger (PPA). Mothers who develop post-partum depression and post-partum anxiety may also develop post-partum anger. PPA sent me into a deep hole where I was constantly angry about the tiny little things towards the people around me. To make things even more worse is that I was constantly crying all the time and shutting out the most important people from my life who were simply trying to help me; like my kids and my husband. I decided that I couldn't keep going down this destructive path and that it was finally time to take charge and get my life back on the right track. So, I had to get some courage and to get some help. I got these tattoos to remind myself that life is worth living to the fullest and that I couldn't put my kids through turmoil and making them think that they are to blame for their mother's unhappiness; which they aren't by any means. I lost all my self worth and have no idea who I am as a person on the inside. Every day is a struggle to keep the reoccurring thoughts from entering my mind making me feel helpless and worthless and that I can't seem to do anything right but somehow my mind always reminds me of my kids and that I have to fight for them. I have a rough road ahead of me and I pray that I find the girl who disappeared within herself many years ago and finally finds herself. I forgot to mention that before I announced my first pregnancy on Facebook; one of my friend's posted a "congrats" and I kindly told her that it wasn't her place to say anything. She messaged me back saying, "I guess you aren't proud to be a mother" then blocked me. That statement is still with me today. Being a first time mother should be the best thing to happen to a person and get encouragement. Not words like that. So it hit me pretty hard and that was all I thought about and it reflected towards my daughter as I didn't feel the love towards her. Thank you for taking your time in reading this and please feel free to comment. As a mother, I know that I am not alone. If there are any ladies going through this, please know that you are not alone. Let's all fight this together as life is worth living to the fullest.
13 Comments • 1 year ago • Edited
Your post is so deep and touching. Thank you for sharing and spreading the mental health awareness. It's so important! And I think that your tattoo is beautiful and is a meaningful representation of your life experiences AND it's a dragonfly - how cool is that! I like the colors and gradients, too. Life can be so tough, but one of my favorite saying is : "Life is like a photograph. We develop from negatives." So I hope you'll find yourself again soon and that you will be pleasantly surprised about what a strong and powerful woman you've become through it all. You're a great mommy and wife. Your Family does need you and they need you happy! :) I wish you all the happiness, strength, hope, peace, faith, love and that you find your self. You can do it!!
1 year ago
I absolutely LOVE this post. I went through PPD and PPA (and not that you mention it, the other PPA as well) after my first son was born. I have since felt MUCH better but am still not 100% back to my "normal" self. I'm due with #2 in August and am terrified that it will happen again but am happy that I will know the signs this time around. God Bless you and I love your tattoos! Thank you for spreading awareness!
1 year ago
@MalPal85. Thank you! I am glad to know that I am not the only one suffering through it. I developed all three (anger, anxiety and depression) when I gave birth to my daughter almost three years ago. When I was in the hospital, I couldn't grasp the breastfeeding and the one nurse was very mean to me saying that I couldn't go home until I got it right. So, when I finally got diacharged, I sat in my daddys car and cried because I wasn't mentally prepared for what was to come. I tried to breastfeed for a few months after that and I just couldn't keep up with the demand. Once I quit, things got better then other problems arise like every cry she made put me in anxiety mode wondering what could be wrong. I never did get help as I thought it would go away on it's own but it never did. Then I got pregnant with my son and it was the same thing all over again. So, I had to take charge and get myself better. I'm sure you will be fine. Just watch out for the signs. I'm here if you need to talk or vent.
1 year ago • Post starter
Dragonfly- i am so sorry to hear about this. I knew something was not right and you just stopped posting right after birth of Isaiah. I love your tattoos how meaningful they are. I am so happy to see you got help and coming around. Happy you posted this bc that is what I am worried about at well. A lot has hit me this passed week where sadness, grief and anxiety has hit hard. One day I just cried all day and couldn’t get out of bed. My DH has been supportive!!
1 year ago
@Lakarmw. Thank you very much for your kind words. I said to my hubby today that I wished I got the help I so desperately needed when I had my daughter. I also forgot to mention that before I announced my pregnancy on Facebook; one of my friend's posted a "congrats" and I kindly told her that it wasn't her place to say anything. She messaged me back saying, "I guess you aren't proud to be a mother" then blocked me. That statement is still with me today. Being a first time mother should be the best thing to happen to a person and get encouragement. Not words like that. So it hit me pretty hard and that was all I thought about. I have not seen her since but I would definately tell her how that comment made me feel. My babies are doing well. I'm slowly starting to laugh and have fun with them but I also have my bad days that sets me back a notch. I take things as they come one day at a time.
@Beaut1ful38. I'm truely sorry for being so quiet and not saying anything. I honestly didn't know what to say in a situation like this. I didn't want to be a "debbie downer" as some people can't handle the negativity; I know I can't and I get quiet. I'm glad I got the tattoos done. In fact, tomorrow morning, I am getting more work done on my forearm for Mental Health. I will share a picture when it's done. I'm nervous but hope it turns out the way I want. I know what you mean about grief. My best friends mom passed away (cancer) a week before her wedding and my friend is also expecting (21 weeks; having boy). So it makes me really sad that her mom wasn't here to witness all of these events. I really hope that you don't get to experience everything that I am going through. Your husband and kids need you and they will help you whenever they can. I'm here if you ever need to talk or vent; send me a mesage . I don't mind as it takes my mind off other things to help a good friend through a difficult time.
1 year ago • Post starter
Here is the final tattoos with the semi-colon added but it still needs some final touch ups but will cover that when I go back in a week or two. I have not showed anyone else my new tattoos so whomever sees this; you are the first to see them. I have to use my Ipad to upload it as my phone won't allow me for some reason. I added two more to incorporate my two kids. I thought it was the right thing to do based on my situation. My hubby didn't know, nor has he seen them yet and when I was sitting in the chair, I had this really uneasy feeling and I also was playing different sorts of scenarios, mostly bad ones in my head wondering what he will say when I got home. It got to the point where I broke down and cried in the chair in the middle of the session. I'm thankful the tattoo guy was there to help me through it as I was having an anxiety attack. It turns out that my intuition was right about one thing. My hubby was watching the kids and things weren't going very well and he couldn't settle them down. I am looking for honest opinions as I am a bit sad and having minor regrets as to how the two tattoos turned out. I know it's too late to do anything about it; but does it make my arm look "too busy" and should I have made the tails the same as the bigger one? The tattoo guy said (and he has a good point) that the two dragonflies are different as no two kids are the same unless they are twins or should I have left it the way it was and just add the minor details to the bigger one? Feeling a bit lost.
Update: Next day, since I got these tattoos done, I still feel a bit sad for not thinking things through and waited a little more to incorporate them to do things right. When I got up this morning, my hubby dropped a bomb shell on me and asked me a very serious question "are the kids mine?" I was shocked and a bit hurt by it and of course they are but my little stunt put him into having doubts. We talked about it more and agreed to put it behind us. I wouldn't ruin such a good thing when God put us together in the first place. I showed him the tattoos and he gave me his input. He would like to see them in different colors. I asked if my arm looked "busy" and he said no. I also asked him about the tails and he said that all dragonflies are different and unique in their own special way. Since hearing that nade me feel a lot better about them and hope I am able to change the colors in some of them. The little shrosh on the bigger one doesn't seem to fit in and not sure if I can do anything about it. I still like them but not 100% satisfied. I hope I fall in love with the finished outcome.
1 year ago • Edited • Post starter
Tomorrow marks a week since I got the two tattoos done. I said to my husband that I really hate these tattoos and I don't normally say things like that. I was literally crying and I thonk it was from my soul. The one tattoo pretty much lost all of its color. Friday I have the appointment for touch ups so I will stop in and see him before then to talk about fixing them or doing something different. I went in last week thinking he would have the same drawing but he didn't have a copy. I managed to find a copy and printed it for him. I just pray that he is able to fix them and I will walk away feeling happy and if it costs me a bit more or if I have to go back a couple times then I have to do it to make it right. I love the big tattoo a lot and wouldn't change anything. Will update once I talk to him.
1 year ago • Post starter
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