So I'm pregnant again.
I'm having trouble saying that sentence. In real life, I hedge it. I say, "I'm pregnant for now." I say, "If everything is OK, I'm due in October." "If everything works out, then maybe it will be a little girl." "We can celebrate, if the ultrasound looks OK." "We can tell my Dad if things seem safe at 12 weeks." The word IF has become a bigger part of my vocabulary than it should. "IF is a big, little word" my grandmother used to caution us growing up. IF, it is constantly floating in my head space.
I know my poor mind is just trying to be kind to my heart. It is just trying to soften the blow of another potential loss. It doesn't realize that it is also stopping me from being fully happy and at ease. It is actually causing me near constant anxiety. Intellectually I know that nothing is guaranteed. I know that there's no real benefit from withholding my heart. In practice though, I'm having trouble breaking the cycle.
I keep setting more goals for myself for when the anxiety can stop. This was a stream of consciousness I had while talking to my husband last night: I just have to make it to Friday's ultrasound. Later it was: OH, but I'll feel so much better in the 2nd trimester. Later it was: Maybe I should by one of those bands that counts the kicks in the 3rd trimester, can't be too careful, you're never really safe. Then a bit later: What if something happens during the labor and birth? Followed by: Seriously after the birth, I'll never sleep because of SIDS risks. It ended with: A child is never safe, how can I protect them forever? Is this a good idea?
It is honestly so bittersweet. I'm pregnant but the weight of my losses lingers on my mind. I'm pregnant but the happiness is consumed by the fear. So to combat the hedging and the negative, I'm just sending out as much positive energy as I can everyday. I downloaded a book: Mindful Birthing -Training the Mind, Body, and Heart for Childbirth and Beyond. I'm trying to learn to let go and embrace that I have no real control over this pregnancy. I have no control over life. I can only control how I feel and I want to feel good.
10 Comments • 11 months ago
LadyMae you sweet person, Congrats sweety!!!!!
I can understand your feelings, can we just live in a bubble when the child gets here.
But when I started the Fertility meds the dr told me to talk to a psychologist so I can have someone to talk to. And she said the exact same thing, you can worry over things you have no control over. yes its hard, but little by little it will get easier.
11 months ago
The gestational sac was much bigger! We had a clear yolk sac! No fetal pole yet though; I have to go back next week.
So there's definitely progress. I was a bit disappointed that there wasn't a baby yet. Hubby was crying and she gave us copies of the scans to bring home.
It was really hard for me to enjoy the ultrasound though. Last night after meeting a new midwife, we got in an accident. Someone drove into our car while we were stopped at a light. I have a concussion and whiplash. So I was in pain and dizzy and anxious during the scan. :(
I have to rest for the next few days.
10 months ago • Post starter
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