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Extremely Conflicted
Welp, summer break is here again. For those who do not know me, I am a school teacher and certified ancient artifact of CTP (read the profile if you're not sure what that means). This school year was very successful. I also gained three baby cousins and a niece (all in one month), I was a bridesmaid, and I survived what could have been a horrid wreck. Nevertheless, summer break is always a great time to rest, reflect, and refine. I have decided to further my education, write a few grants, and start writing a book. I finished a donors choose grant for my classroom last week. I can send the link if anyone is interested.
Anyway, that was my brief recap of the year. Now on to why I feel conflicted. It has been almost 5 years TTC and I still want a baby. Even though my two kids are nearly adults, I can't give up...even though I want to.. I don't talk about it with anyone anymore, not even DH. I don't test either. I don't look at the calendar until AF comes of the Flo app sends me a notification that my cycle is near. It is not nearly as depressing as it used to be when it starts because so far I've been let down for over 50 cycles straight. I said all that because you would think that after all of this that I would quit. I toil with this quite often and my fear is that I may want something that I should not have or that I may never get the chance at something my heart has desired for so long. Will the desire ever leave? Just venting...
11 Comments • 5 years ago • Edited
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I don't think it will. Is there nothing else you can do??? Arkansas is one of 17 states where fertility treatments are covered through insurance. Have you looked into a round of Ivf?. The cost, etc.... with insurance it may not be that bad. Have you looked into IUI? An IUI is less expensive and can be a huge boost. I paid cash for mine. I think with meds and us, it was a round $650
I really think you and the hubby should revisit the conversation about possible help.
5 years ago
I've done blood work as well as a D&C because I used to have heavy cycles and bad clotting. They checked for cysts and a few other things and confirmed that everything was fine. My cycles even improved and were more regular following the procedure. I have been taking VITEX as well. DH had testing as well and everything was fine. I have good insurance, but was afraid to try IVF or IUI because I had a T.I.A. (mini stroke) and was banned from all hormones. I knew it may take longer, but was certain that it would happen by now.
5 years ago • Post starter
Kandi, I would try a non medicated cycle of IUI... It is definitely worth trying. If you ovulate, and they can get those swimmers just a little closer, maybe it will help! Lots of women opt out of the medication and do natural iui. And maybe they can do an I've procedure without the meds?
5 years ago
Kandi12, I'm 42 and have one grown son and four stepchildren, mostly teens. Me and my DH have wanted one of our own together for three years now following the loss of our first son together (stillborn). We hadn't had any problems getting pregnant the first time, so we were shocked when all of a sudden we were infertile. I found out I had one blocked tube and low egg reserve, so even IVF would be a long shot for us. For 3 yrs we tried, and only got a faint positive once - and that was on a medicated cycle. We agreed to not do IVF or IUI because of the expense and the low odds, so I had to get creative. I'm now 11 wks pregnant and knock on wood, things are proceeding pretty well so far. Here's what I did finally. I regularly took vitex, prenatals, vitamin d and vitamin e - for good cycle and good eggs. I did two months of chiropractic adjustments for hip pain (this was coincidental, but I think it had an effect because this baby came from my LEFT ovary, which was supposed to be blocked - I think the adjustments helped unblock the tube). Then I stopped the vitex and took a high dose (10mg) of Femara (letrozole). This is not a hormone, so you might be able to try it. It works better than Clomid in my opinion and I responded very well to it. It's just a pill and helps you ovulate. It actually blocks estrogen which ramps up the LH levels. But here's the kicker and the reason I think we succeeded at last - we BD'd three times during the fertile period and each time, we made sure that DH ejaculated TWICE - then I put a softcup in to hold everything up there for 12 hrs. It's not easy for some men, and may require a break inbetween, but studies have shown that the second ejaculation in an hour for a man has a higher concentration of sperm, better motility and better genetic composition - they're faster and better. This was the first time we'd tried this and it worked. I did a journal entry on it and you can google the medical studies about it. It's fascinating. Anyway, don't give up if it's something you want. It's very easy to either half-ass it or become obsessed, and I think the trick is to ride the line inbetween those two extremes. Good luck!
5 years ago
I hope this helps ease your mind, although we never did any testing i am pretty sure my husband had or still has a low sperm count. We got together in 2004 started really trying for a baby after our wedding late 2005. Many years and many broken hearts later we just excepted it wasn't meant to be. So in about 2015 i came to terms with it and was ok with it i already had a daughter who was hitting her teens (not biologically his). Then bam around Christmas 2016 i felt sicker then a dog, dizzy, asking for frequent relief at work because we were slammed. After the new year began i just had a random thought could i really be pregnant?! Took a test January 7th 2017 blazing positive. 12 years of wishful thinking and it happened. Had my baby girl September of 2017. Miracles happen! Don't lose hope. Sorry for the long story.
5 years ago
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