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Just need to get it off my chest ...

First post thingy ... just need to rant to get it off my chest (and maybe others can relate and feel better that they’re not alone).

Last summer, out of nowhere, my partner and I found out we were pregnant. I’d always said that while we both wanted children, it would most likely be a ‘happy accident’ rather than planned as while the saying is that there’s no good time to have children, we’ve definitely had things going on for several years that always tended to make it the wrong time.

3 days after we found out we were pregnant (but keeping it quiet til 12 weeks as we were only 7ish weeks at that point), my other half’s brother announced he and his wife were pregnant and were 8ish weeks along! While congratulating them, we still didn’t announce our news so as not to tempt fate. However, it was their wedding the following week and having the whole family questioning why I wasn’t drinking etc. made us decide to tell the in-laws so they could help us with a convincing cover story! Cue huge excitement and shock that after years of them thinking they’d never have grandchildren, 2 were announced within a week and would be so close in age that it would be a really special cousin relationship.

However, 2 days after the wedding, and while at a post-wedding family gathering, we lost our baby (estimated at 10.4 weeks). The family at the party were told I had food poisoning, and that story has stuck as we decided that the news would be too upsetting for our sister-in-law who was already having a tricky first trimester. The only people told about what happened were the in-laws, my partner’s brother’s, my mum and a couple of close girl friends.

‘Thankfully’, my brother and sister-in-law live abroad so we weren’t going to be seeing them too often, which would hopefully make their progressing pregnancy more bearable for us (that sounds so bloody awful, but it’s the truth).

That didn't stop the pain of receiving messages about their scans, finding out it was a girl, and photos being sent to the family WhatsApp group showing her growing bump (not specifically of her bump, just day-to-day photos which I obviously always hone straight in on).

In the weeks following the m/c, we decided that we would move on from ‘happy accident’ to TTC, and were especially pleased that lots of the online advice suggested higher chances of this happening after a m/c, so we naively took that to heart ???? Our thinking was that we had originally gotten pregnant after sleeping together only once all month (stressful work being the main reason), and we had used contraception, so the chances of us getting pregnant were so low then - but we did - that it would surely work again quickly since we were trying deliberately!

We were wrong!

We also made the decision not to put pressure on ourselves by telling any of our family or friends, not even those that knew about the m/c.

Along with medical complications after the m/c (which are still unresolved), we had a false positive later in the summer. Then in Oct/Nov we had the same. Around this time we had an ultrasound to try and find out what was causing the problems after the m/c, and while that was inconclusive, they did say my uterine lining was very thick which would suggest either imminent AF (which wasn’t the case date-wise), or very early pregancy. It turned out to be neither.

Christmas arrived and the family reunited for a few weeks, including a heavily-bumped sister-in-law. Seeing her brought back all the memories of the m/c (which I had generally put to the back of my mind as the focus had turned to TTC). So I ended up spending most of Christmas holed up at home doing everything possible to avoid being around her. Such a horrible feeling to avoid someone you care so much about, and to not want to be any part of such a special time for her. But every moment with her was just too much of a reminder of what I should have been experiencing.

Last month AF decided to play with our emotions and be a day late. And this month we’re facing the EDD of our brother/sister-in-law’s baby in the next couple of weeks (so ours would have been due anytime now as well). At work, last week would’ve been the start of my maternity leave, and just to make that more difficult to deal with, I had numerous pregnancy symptoms and was 2 days late until about an hour ago ???? Hence my need to just vent!

I really, REALLY believed we were pregnant this month. And it would have made the EDD ‘easier to take’ knowing that we were pregnant ourselves. Instead, I’m facing going back to work next week when my maternity leave should have started, a baby being born at the same time that mine should have, and another month of TTC and all the emotions (and so far only painful experiences) that go hand-in-hand with it.

So the complications following the m/c continue, we’re now 7 months TTC, in the next couple of months I turn 38 and my partner turns 39, and we have to watch close family members going through what we should have been going through at the same time - what should have been an exciting time for us all is just pure agony ????

I want to say that I’m really not bitter towards our brother/sister-in-law about their baby - I’m happy for them and truly wish only good things for them and their imminent arrival. It’s just that Sod’s law or whatever coincidence decided that we’d get pregnant within a week of each other but only allow one of us to go full-term really couldn’t have rubbed our faces in it more. Had we been successful this month, it would have softened the blow a little, and the cruelty of AF being late (coupled with so many symptoms and just ‘the feeling’ that I was pregnant which I haven’t had in previous months of TTC) just couldn’t make this already heartbreaking and difficult situation any worse.

Anyway, I really just wanted to get this off my chest. Because we haven’t told anyone (bar our Dr) that we’re TTC, all this heartbreak is being bottled up ????

End rant ????

  UPDATE   Bloody emojis - didn’t realise the site has its own so ignore random ???? everywhere

9 Comments • 6 years ago • Edited


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1 - 9 of 9 Comments


ZazzyNerms- will I haven’t been in your shoes of a MC. But have had CP. Their are no words to comfort that situation.
What I can say is my story....DH is 39 and I 38, we have been TTC for 7 months as well. This 7th month we finally got our BFP. Yours will come soon.

Let me tell you when we tried to start conceiving I though oh yeah bam this will be fast. 1,2nd nothing. 3rd started doing opks..nothing by the 5th month i was sad every time and felt this is it every month ...the AF came. Friends were announcing there own pregnancy (I was happy but jealousy I guess) then New Years came!! My uncle and aunt who are in there 50’s!!!!! Announcement of pregnancy 3 months she was...then a few weeks later they said was a baby girl! I was happy but I wanted my own.
This last month I did research and with some advise in here in forums I joined (since June 2018 babies) I learned about some vitamins and things to try before we went to a fertility dr.
This past month I did prenatal vitamins, omega 3, EPO for af to ovulation (confirmed) , baby adoring to thicken lining. (Bc I felt like I couldn’t implant) and I did opk’s and the SMEP (intercourse) I did temp only the day I got first positive and then till I recd 3 high temps. Then stopped bc I felt that was stressing me out. I did relax more bc month after month I felt like I was so stressed and was becoming a chore to Time intercourse with DH.
That is my story and I hope it helps you in some way. I wish you baby dust and sticky vibes. You can find me in “October 3018 babies” (you don’t have to pregnant in those forums it’s just women in tww or ovulation time) and “cycle buddies”

6 years ago • Edited


Hi Beaut1ful38 - thanks for sharing your story and congratulations!

I do have hope that this will eventually all work out, it’s just that this month, with the baby due when mine would have been, is making AF just a more bitter pill to swallow.

The Dr is confident that because I have conceived before it bodes well for conceiving again. But while the clock isn’t officially ticking, obviously both of us heading towards 40 isn’t going to improve the situation the longer it takes.

I was just so certain for the last week that I was pregnant, which has made the very unwelcome arrival of AF this morning very difficult to deal with

6 years ago • Post starter


I know exactly how you feel, and you should seek out some online miscarriage/infant loss groups. There are some good ones on facebook. I lost my son during labor full term - he was born stillborn after several days of mild labor, then transporting to hospital. During labor, my sister had just found out she was pregnant but didn't want to "steal my thunder" so waited. Then Oscar died. Well she was terrified to tell me then, so waited another couple of months till she couldn't hide it. She was very considerate, but I see her all the time and I had to watch her have a home birth of a beautiful big baby boy just 8 months after I had lost my son. It was very hard. Then my other sister got pregnant almost immediately and I had to do it all over again - meanwhile, we've been TTC for another for 2 1/2 years unsuccessfully. I'm 42. I was 38 when I was pregnant with Oscar. It's a tough road and all you can do is keep going down it and hope that your chance comes again. It won't replace your little peanut, and you should allow yourself to grieve him/her, but just keep trying. There are a lot of good suggestions to increase fertility here. You'll find me in November 2018 and TTC in 2018 groups here. My heart goes out to you and venting always helps a little. You're not alone. This whole process is torture no matter what your experience has been.

6 years ago


I’m so sorry for what you have gone through. It’s so hard having it so close (others being pregnant) as it just doesn’t allow you to move on from what happened. It does seem that as soon as these things happen, pregnancies and births start stalking us! I had 3 people give birth within 3 weeks of my m/c, and it’s as if every other day at work someone has an announcement!

Also, being nearly 38 means people ‘presume’ that I’ve opted out of having children or ask why I haven’t had any yet (almost as if I’m some kind of antichrist for it!) Such personal questions, even if they’re meant with good intentions. I do wonder how they’d react if I just blurted out everything from the last year!

Huge luck to you that you get your BFP soon

6 years ago • Post starter


I just so angry with my body and this whole process right now. AF was due Sunday or Monday, and up until this morning I fully believed this month was finally it, but then the witch arrived I’ve never had a late period in my life, and even in the first cycle after the m/c it was only 4 days longer than usual. So why would it suddenly be almost 5 days late?!
I’m desperately trying not to get my hopes up each month and chill out as much as possible over it all, but the late AF really made us think this was our month so the disappointment this morning is just horrendous.

We had an appointment at the doctors a couple of days ago, while we were still unsure whether we were pregnant or not, and we’ve basically been told that we’re doing all the right things so we’ve got to just keep on keeping on. As we both have our birthdays coming up (38 and 39 in a few weeks), and it’s coming up to a year since we last got pregnant, our doctor wants us to start the process of doing fertility checks, however for reasons that I’m not going to go into, many of the procedures that I need to have, I can’t. Which basically means there’s very little that can be done other than going through this every month.

It’s a bigger heartbreak for me as the baby we lost was due a few weeks ago, so we’ve had that milestone to get through. Then in that same week our brother/sister-in-law gave birth, which is just a constant reminder of what we should have been experiencing. The family don’t mention the new baby around us at all, so it’s a real elephant in the room all the time. They live abroad, so we haven’t met the baby yet but I’m absolutely dreading it, which sounds awful but it’s just how I feel, sadly. And now it seems that if we DO get pregnant this cycle, the 12 week point will be when we meet the baby, so if we don’t have our own good news by then, I genuinely don’t know how I’ll cope. It’s not jealousy, just a reminder that is so close to home, and cruelly coincidental in the dates matching. And at the planned big family gathering (which is unbelievably on the anniversary of our m/c), everyone will be meeting the baby and no doubt the questions will head my way about if it’s making me broody or not etc. If I’m not pregnant by then, I need to find some good excuse to not be there!

Again, just venting as I have no one but my OH and my dogs to let this all out over, and today it just feels like it’s never going to happen and I’m feeling very, VERY sorry for myself!

5 years ago • Edited • Post starter


You are absolutely allowed to feel bad, and avoid painful situations. It's going to be ok to hold that baby and cry if you need to. It'll be ok to say no thanks to holding her. My husband still doesn't hold babies. I went the opposite way and just embraced it - I go to baby showers, I hold babies, anything. I miss mine so much, it's a wonder I don't run off with someone else's one day. If you see a blonde in the news accused of babystealing, you'll know it's me
I was late last month too. Had my hopes up for 3 days. Spent days reading stories of late BFPs...squinting at multiple tests. AF got me finally. I was so disappointed I called in sick and moped all day. I think I got drunk too. My DH just knows to leave me alone on bad days like that.
When questions come at you, be honest. I love shocking people a little who are rude enough to ask. "So when are you two going to have one of those?" "I actually was going to have one the same age, but mine died...." They'll stop asking really quick. Brutal, I know, but sometimes it feels good to be brutal.

5 years ago


Hey, thanks for replying!

I’ve been soooo tempted in recent months to just blurt it out as there have been lots of colleagues expecting/giving birth, so the baby talk has been off the scale! The presumption is that because I’m ‘older’ I clearly have opted out of having my own, and people discussing the new arrivals actually make a point of the fact that I’m not in the gang (not in a mean way, in a ‘you wouldn’t understand but you’re probably happy you don’t have dirty nappies and sleepless nights’). I don’t know what they’d all do if I told them that last year while all these coversations have been happening, I’ve expected and lost a baby!

Truly, truly dreading meeting my niece. It’s not her fault or our brother/sister-in-law, but the thought of our baby being the same age but not being here is too much! Plus all the awkwardness from the family members - we meet up at least twice a week and if anyone was with us in the 5 weeks since our niece was born, you wouldn’t actually know it had happened as it’s not been mentioned once!

Just in moping mood right now, and I know that in the next couple of weeks I’ll be looking onwards and upwards to the next 2WW, but right now I don’t know how much more disappointment I can face as it’s getting harder to pick myself up each month

5 years ago • Edited • Post starter


I feel the same way...but we go on because there's no other choice. I tried to just quit TTC, and it was too much. Way worse. So I started again, only to be disappointed every month. Yeah, because I'm over 40, no one at work sees me as a potential babymaker. They just gutted our short term disability insurance and I'm furious about it, because it's our only maternity leave - and people don't understand, thinking I'm planning on injuring myself sometime soon? I don't tell work that I'm TTC and maternity leave is a benefit I'm interested in. Bah. The whole thing sucks. I hope tomorrow is better for you. Day by day. Take it day by day. But you're not alone, and there's no wrong way to feel or to grieve. I'm very sorry for your loss.

5 years ago


Yeah, it’s the ‘What if?’ idea that if we did stop, maybe this month would be the month it happens.

I know I’ll feel better about it all in a few days, but having almost a week of REALLY thinking it was our month has knocked me sideways.

Thanks for replying - it’s reassuring knowing that others know how it feels. It’s just so sad that we all have to be in this situation

5 years ago • Post starter


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