Community post

Please never give up!

I'll give you a short breakdown of how my TTC journey went..

August '15 my partner and I decided we wanted to try for a baby! Come October and I got my first BFP. I was so elated to see those 2 lines so soon after trying. With in a day I was bleeding (chemical pregnancy). Disheartened but not ready to give up just yet..

November '15 swings round and just like that, I got my next BFP. I was again so shocked that I managed to catch so quickly. This time round I was very nervous. Every trip to the toilet involved a panty check and it was all just very stressful. Despite my fears, 2 weeks went by and I was still carrying my little poppyseed sized baby (roughly 6 weeks pregnant by this point). However not long after I started cramping and yet again found myself heavily bleeding. This time it was a lot heavier and full of clots. The pain was excruciating so I knew something wasn't right. A trip to the hospital a few days later confirmed I had indeed passed the pregnancy. Yet again I was filled with so much heartache and feeling very disheartened.

After putting my body through the works I decided to enjoy Christmas and NYE and resume TTC once 2016 rolled round so that's what I did. Getting my first period after all of this was, in the simplest of terms, shitty... I felt increasingly more uneasy about whether my body was capable of actually carrying a child.

Come Feb '16 and I was greeted with yet a lovely BFP. At this point I had the choice to celebrate or stay level headed. I decided why shouldn't I be excited for this new life growing inside of me?! So that's what I did. The pregnancy progressed nicely and nausea set in slightly. I even got to see its little heart flicker on an ultrasound which was magical. The weeks went by and the uneasiness settled significantly.

It didn't stay this way.. of course it wouldn't! he 25th of April will be a day that will haunt me for the rest of my life. There we were sat in the ultrasound room at our 10 week appointment. I could see the ultrasound techs face making all sorts of weird expressions.. "oh no... what's wrong? Where's the heartbeat?!". Those next 10 seconds felt like an eternity before I was told "I'm so sorry but there's no heartbeat". The next week was the worst week of my life. I was given medical management where they put 2 large tablets at the entrance of your cervix which promote contractions to help you pass the fetus. That pain that I experienced was something I can't even describe but that was nothing to what I had to experience a few days later. While sat on the toilet I felt something big fall to the entrance of my vagina. I just knew what it was but I didn't want to look. I rolled up some tissue paper and placed it underneath me and squeezed. Out came my perfect little baby full in tact in its sac. Seeing its littler fingers and eyes was an image that will forever be etched in my memory.

Anyway, those next few months were excruciating. I ended up drinking and smoking excessively and was just an all round depressed person. I felt like my body had failed me. It had failed my beautiful babies and I felt so unwomanly. The one thing my body is designed to do and it can't do it. We had decided to put TTC on hold while we got recurrent miscarriage tests done but by June I started to feel different. "Am I pregnant?! surely not?". Reluctantly I took a test and there it was, clear as day, 2 pink lines.

I am now 22w4d with my miracle baby boy who is kicking away as a type this. Before finding out I was pregnant I truly had given up trying as I just didn't want to have to deal with any more heartbreak. Don't get me wrong, that fear lives with in me every single day, but to be where I am now is just amazing and I beg that any of you going through heartbreak in this journey to never ever give up. You really don't know what is just around the corner when you least expect it.

Over and out,
A very proud mummy to be xxx

1 Comment • 7 years ago

0 2 0 0