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MrsFord

Hubby's thoughts...

Well yesterday hubby and I had a sort of fight about this whole ttc journey which ended in a really good talk and a plan. It all started when he told me one of his work buddies and his wife are expecting (they got pg right away after their wedding) and I started to cry. When I hear of people expecting it makes me sad, it makes me wonder why it's not happening for us and it makes me jealous , which then leads to me feeling a jerk about not being happy for people. I go through this whole internal struggle and all in all just break down. It's not good. Hubs knows that I get upset but he didn't know the whole internal struggle that I go through until last night. He proceeded his normal " so and so just got pregnant and she is 35, don't stress, stop stressing and it will happen" garble that he normally says to try and make me feel better and I lost it. I told him I was giving up. That I had been mentally preparing myself for the past month and a half or so to quit ttc and to accept that we would never share a child. I told him "I'm checking out" of the whole situation and that he didn't understand what I was feeling because he has 2 children. He actually kind of got mad at me (more the situation than me specifically). He confided to me that just because he has children doesn't mean he doesn't know I feel. This means he may never have a child with me, which is completely different for him and that he also grieves during this whole process. I had never looked at it like that at all. I never see him upset. He told me he wants to be strong for me and doesn't show his emotions about it like maybe he should. In my meltdown, I also spewed that I'd likely be going through menopause by 35 or shortly there after so hearing that number from him was just a reminder that I was running out of time. He didn't understand. We had a more scientific conversation about how when I lost my right ovary I also lost half my eggs and that means I will go into menopause sooner than I would have normally (of course no one knows then that will be). He was upset to hear that I had been "checking out" of a process without discussing it with him. Also true... I stopped temping 2 cycles ago. I've randomly been using OPKs when I feel o pain but not pushing for BDing or anything. I honestly didn't think he even noticed whether I was temping or not, but he did and just didn't say anything. We were both able to discuss our fears and concerns and made a plan. We will start clomid next cycle and go through with IUI. Should that cycle not succeed then we will repeat the clomid/IUI again the cycle after next as well. If we still aren't pregnant we will go to ntnp, trying naturally, whatever you want to call it. And then seriously look at financial options for ivf. When ivf came up before we never really had a serious convo about it other than to say it wasn't something we could likely afford or want to spend that kind of money on. Hubs told me that our nice SUV, and houses, etc are all material possessions that really mean nothing for our lives and that we need to stop putting a dollar value on something we both so desperately want together- a child. I feel much more peaceful today. I feel less alone in all of this and really feel like we are on the same page. We finished our discussion last night by going out for a nice dinner and then heading home for some BDing. And the cherry on the cake... I felt some o pain today, took an opk and ended up with a blazing positive staring back at me. Yesterday was a good day. Today is a good day.