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The "Groundhog Day" of TTC

For many of you, you may know how this goes. Each month, you ttc, you hope, you pray, you wait. wait and boom. Your period. Those of you who have been in the unending cycle of disappointment for Months, Years etc.. you know it all to well. Here is what has gone through my heart and mind this cycle as I wait yet again to see if I will get a bfp or another bfn:
I feel I keep living the same thing over and over. It's maddening. Every month is the same; possible symptoms, agonizing during the two week wait, and being disappointed and disillusioned every time aunt flow decides to make an entrance. I am so exhausted from trying and so irritated by this dumb process. People say, "don't try so much, just relax." Honestly, we aren't "trying" at all. I don't do ovulation kits, we don't time intercourse, we aren't doing it every other day. We are just letting it happen naturally and not trying to force anything and still nothing is happening. 15 months. of waiting. and waiting and trying to patient and nothing is happening. I relive these feelings every month, and every time I get so irritated and confused and I feel so helpless. Like it's always going to be this way. I am trying really hard to hang on and then I realize I don't have to hang on, I can let go.
The only thing that has kept me going is my faith in Jesus. Knowing that He is with me in the pain. He feels as much as I do and that he aches with me. I know that I must be patient, it will come in his timing and the Journey is teaching me to rely and trust in Him and not on things or people to give me hope and happiness. If it never comes... ? Well, then He has given me a beautiful opportunity to reach into the life of some wonderful child that is orphaned and take them into my arms and love them like they deserve. Sometimes families are conceived out of love and sometimes families are chosen out of love. Whichever is in my future I know this one thing; A baby will never keep me satisfied. Only Christ can make me whole. This is my prayer every time I feel anxious about this process of TTC: Jesus, I release my desires into your hand. Each month is an opportunity to trust you and let go of my fears, my hopes and place them in You. Give me a child however you desire to do so.
Another prayer that I have is that many of you would come to know Jesus as I do. I know you have questions. You are confused about who you think Jesus really is. But I am here to tell you He is the only way. He died so you may live. Because of Him, when we close our eyes in death in this life, we can open them alive in the next. With Him forever. A very different reality exists for those who do not know Him as Lord of their life (that means, He is the boss. He has say in your life daily and you live for Him). If you close your eyes in death in this life, not having a relationship with Jesus. An eternity of pain and suffering. eternal death, awaits you. It's not a punishment, it's fair. He made you and you were made to love and enjoy Him. He is the way to life everlasting. You choose Hell when you reject Him. Just know that He is real. Talk to Him, get involved with a local church and ask the questions that weigh heavy on you. But if you are saying, "I need Jesus in my life now." then ask Him to come in. Say "Jesus, Forgive me of my sins. I repent. Wash me in your blood and cleanse me. Come into my life and be Lord of it. I commit my life to you today." Then... get Bible, read it. Find a Church.. and Go. Talk to people in the church, get involved in a Bible Study and learn about the Man that Loves You so much He'd die so you could live.
I didn't mean to preach when I started this entry. But when I think about my Journey of TTC... so much of it involves this Man, Jesus. And in the hardest times, He has given me hope. To leave Him out would be a shame. Impossible. You may be offended, that's ok. You may be curious, that's good. It's just where I am.

2 Comments • 11 years ago

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