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Journal

Waiting

Today I wait.

This should be my first 'normal' period after having miscarried in March. I had a period about a month ago that wasn't quite normal, but was for sure a period. If I ovulated this past month, I missed it. I was testing with strips and never did get a clear 'yes you're ovulating' indication from them.

My nipples have hurt for two weeks now. If this is PMS, my hormones are sure out of whack this time around! That, mixed with some cramping the last two days. It's day 30 and I run a 30-32 day cycle. Because of the boob tenderness, I do partially wonder if I'm pregnant, but I vowed this time around to wait it out instead of taking test after test wondering, watching, waiting if I was pregnant and then test after test in hopes that the miscarriage diagnosis wasn't for real.

It was.

I did not know it could be so heartbreaking to try for a child, so emotionally wearing, so lonely. I don't mean for my mind to be consumed with the possibilities of wondering. I try hard to not talk about it with my husband so that he is not overwhelmed with my mindless wondering. Yet in the back of my mind, they are always there. Ever trip to the bathroom, wondering, "Will there be blood? Or could I be pregnant again?"

Why do we do this to ourselves? What pushes us as women to be so crazy?

I am doing things different this time around. No alcohol, no ibuprofen, no anything that could potentially harm a new and growing fetus. At all times health-wise I'm trying to assume I'm pregnant therefore there will be no doubt about the survival (or lack-there-of) of another baby.

A friend said it best about this grief in my heart. "Nothing will help your grief like another baby."

She is wise.

It is true. While another baby will never replace the one we lost, knowing I'm even capable of sustaining and carrying life in this womb will put my doubts and grief to rest. The excitement of a new baby would help me grieve and give me something to look forward to.