2014 will be the year of pregnancies for me.
I gave birth to my 5th daughter Feb 4th 2014. She only lived for 8 hours. Those months following her death were the most miserable of my life. I filled my mind and my time with the task of getting pregnant again. I did get pregnant again in Aug 2014. That pregnancy was lost in October, due to a partial mole. If you know anything about partial moles, you know that you're not supposed to get pregnant again for 6-12 months while they monitor your hcg levls for signs of choriocarcinoma (cancer). After my hcg levels got to normal (six weeks later) I really didn't feel like I needed to wait longer. I don't recommend goign against medical advice. But I do believe in God. And I believe in the answers and the path he showed me.
Unlike my experience after Hazel's death, I didn't find myself all consumed with the task of getting pregnant again. I was temping, but not regularly. I was taking my supplements and drinking my teas, but not religiously. I didn't break out the preseed. I was NOT tracking my 2ww symptoms. I didn't take any primrose oil, or expectorants. I didn't do my fertility yoga or get accupuncture as I had before. I just wasn't going nuts the way I did after my baby's passing in Feb. I waited until my hcgs were normal, and then...I just didn't really try to stop it. That's all.
So this time it took one month, instead of the comparative SEVEN. I thought that a miscarriage on top of my baby's death would have set me way back emotionally, and increased my stress levels. But it actually had the opposite effect. After everything I had done to get pregnant in Aug....after everything I had tried -including going to a fertility clinic and taking letrizole-it still had not ended up in a baby that I could keep. That's when I realized, finally, that this wasn't in my hands. If i could control fertility adn life, I would have never lost my baby Hazel in the first place. If I could control conception, I would have been prgegnant a month after she passed. If I coudl control anything at all, I would not have had a miscarriage. because man, was I trying! I was working so hard to have control.
But after the miscarriage, I gave up all control (or most of it). I figured allI coudl do was help my body be its best, and then let God do the rest. That's it! Being informed and making healthy and educated choices helps too. But in the end, it's up to Him. We don't always know His masterfl plan. And while this plan for me and my family has been incredibly painful, I know that His plan is better than anything I coudl come up with on my own. I long for the day when I have the understanding and the wisdom to see His plan for what it is.
and just for the record: I'm 38. My oldest child is 11. My other living children are 9, 7, and 4. My baby would be 10 months old if she were still on earth with us. And if I hadn't miscarred in OCtober, I would now be 4 months pregnant. (it was another girl and we call her Maria). So this is my 7th pregnancy. I found out last night. Today is our 14th anniversary. I haven't told my hubby yet. I'm thinking there might be a very fun surprise for the family under the tree this year!!
One thing I did do different this time, that I have NEVER done before: I went vegan after I was diagnosed with a partial molar pregnancy. But I did this in an attempt to help stop any cancer cells from spreading or growing. I believe God helped me overcome the molar pregnancy so quickly. But I also think he showed me this vegan lifestly as a way of helping that process along. I highly recommend a book called The China Study. Veganism can have a very positive effect on fertility.
All the best to those of you aching for a little one to hold in your arms. I know that it actually causes physical pain when your arms feel empty.
Love to all
Added: Dec. 13, 2014