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katiemay88's TTC Journal

View All My Journal Entries How Do You Move On
By katiemay88 » Posted Jul. 12, 2012 9:08am - 92 views - 2 comments

Had such a rough day yesterday. A year ago when we started trying I found the absolute perfect crib bedding set. If I create my own it literally would be this exact set. Iâ??ve thought about buying it so many times, but thought that would look crazy.

I was browsing their website, and it was gone! I was so upset, I went to the store and they didnâ??t have any, went and looked through their catalogue, found it, went and waited in line in the catalogue department to order it, lady said no problem, put all my info in- out of stock and discontinued. I almost cried. I know it may seems nuts to be this upset over something as trivial as bedding, but itâ??s more what this represents than anything. Weâ??ve been trying for so long that theyâ??ve actually discontinued our bedding, major fail on my part.

It just kills me, because when we started this journey over two years ago I knew I wanted to do an owl/ wildlife theme. In the past week 3 people on my facebook have posted their owl themed nurseries. I hate it because this was my idea before it was the â??trendyâ?? thing to do.

If thereâ??s one thing Iâ??ve learned from this is you really cannot plan your life. You that quote- â??Life is what happens when youâ??re busy making other plansâ??, thatâ??s my life, except NOTHING happens.

I was doing so well with this. This is the first month I havenâ??t taken anything, recorded or tracked anything. And for the first 2 weeks of this cycle I was really happy, because I knew it was impossible to be pregnant at that point, so there was absolutely nothing to think/ worry about. But yesterday just killed me. After the blanket incident it seemed every single woman I saw was pregnant, and there were babies everywhere.

I truly think this is the hardest thing to deal with. Because we all suffer in silence. When I had to have surgery to have part of my cervix removed I received so much support from that, but this, this is horribly. All of this bottled up. I hate how bitter Iâ??ve become, Iâ??ve unsubscribed from every pregnant person/ with baby on my facebook, even close friends because I just canâ??t take it anymore.

27 Months since we started- 5 months ttc, then 10 month break for surgery/ healing, now 12 consecutive months and nothing, not so much as a chemical pregnancy- stark white, bfn, empty vessel, nothing.

I just cannot believe the toll this has taken on my self-esteem. Women worry if theyâ??re overweight, have nice skin, etc. I worry if I can bring life in this world. Scientifically speaking weâ??re â??designedâ?? to do one thing, and I canâ??t even do that.

Sorry if I depressed/ upset anyone. Just needed to get that out.
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Comments for this Journal Entry

Comment from katiemay88 » Posted Jul. 13, 2012 9:00am
Thank you :) That means a lot. I am glad to see everything is going great with you :)
Comment from dmartin65 » Posted Jul. 12, 2012 2:13pm
This is the place to do it hun. Don't give up hope. My heart and prayers are with you. Sending you tons of baby dust.

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