Community post

Last day of sick leave after IVF... Still hiding in bed

Today is my last day of medical leave, back to work tomorrow; and for some reason I am still hiding under my sheets almost afraid to let the day start.

The last 8 weeks have been a colmination of intensive blood work, ultrasounds, Dr's visits, getting accepted into the IVF funded cycle (only one per couple) needles, white lies to my new job of why I Have to take 10 days off for sick leave; then the ramp up of more needles, the threat of OHSS, a painful retrieval; the joy of having 29 eggs removed, to be told 15 fertilized and were really strong, to do a day 5 transfer and there was only one egg... ONE.

All my hopes and dreams in one egg. I want to be happy with the one. But I think in my mind I was just expecting to have a "feeling" that there was extra life with me. I had that feeling before the last time I was pregnant. I just "knew". And I miscarried.

This ONE egg, is supposed to be strong. What ever a B6 rating is. Even that I am not sure of. I know I am blessed to have what I have been given.

I am now half way through my tww. And I am not sure how I am supposed to do it. Stay calm. Act like nothing is going on. I've been safe here at home. Behind my sheets. Having my hormonal ups and downs in a place where I can be away from people.

So tomorrow, I start living my life out of the safe bubble I have made. And I am nervous about it because then, life will speed up, I will lose track of time, and soon it will be the first pregnancy test. The day my whole world hinges on.

WILL I BE A MOM? Or will I be just me.

You may be asking where my husband is in all this? He was involved in the process of injections, and there for the retrieval; this is his last chance to be a father. He would be a good one. But for now, in stressful situations he copes by being half there. Enough to "be there" for the sake of saying. But the emotions are packed safely away, or directed to other things that are safer. Bless his heart I believe he does this to stay positive. But to me sometimes it comes across as putting me in a box unable to speak that is not positive.

Out of all the different type of treatment I have gone through to have my baby, this has been the hardest.

Thank you for allowing me this platform to talk my truth

1 Reply • 8 years ago

0 0 0 0