Community post

secondary infertility

Secondary infertility .... I never dreamed that i would ever hear such a label nor have i ever heard of it until now. My first pregnancy was so easy, conceived the first month and thankfully have a healthy 3 year old. However, i had no idea what was waiting for me round the corner, and it on became apprant year later. Two years and 6 months i have been trying and no success. I have had 4 rounds of clomid hsg, hormone blood tests, scans, semen check and everything has come back normal. As strange as it might sound i was actually hoping that they did find something wrong, so that I can actually have some closure. But the worst I believe is the not knowing bit.

I have come to stage where i just give up! I have had enough of living my life for each cycle and ovulation kits, sprays and creams ect... I just want to forget and except that it might nit happen to me. I have moved any baby stuff up to the loft and i have given away any remaining baby stuff. Its time to focus my time on my precious little girl and stop moping around every month. I will not be buying anymore baby stuff and will focus on my career. Crying every cycle has taken a toll on me and my marriage and its just not the way anyone should live.

The most heart wrenching thing is that i am going through the "dont you think its time to have a second child?" phase. Wel yes i do! but can I no... is it your business no.. But obviously you cant be that ruse and just agree and smile. Do i look at every new born on the street... yes i do! but its time to move on, even though it hurts me inside to see my child play alone and except she wont be able to have a sibling that she is able to confide in like i did (coming from a family of 8). I do feel guilty that i cannot give her what i had and i guess i make up for it by spoiling her. Which is not sensible either, but i cannot help but seek the joy on her face when she gets a new toy, because i know deep down inside i may not have the chance to have another toddler.

Her dad is great, the best father anyone could have ... and sadly i am starting to feel his desperation for another child... and that sucks! He has always been the one to comfort me and say one day it will happen just RELAX. The word every TTC women dreads to hear. But it has come to a point where he is starting to ask why.

It doesn't help to hear that my sister in law fell pregnant accidentally and in the same year my sister has also fell pregnant and that a close friend terminated twins. Great hey! they say you cant have it all and my all would be for me to be able to have just one more....

1 Reply • 9 years ago

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