Bittersweet
I ended up getting a bloodtest today. It’s really hard for me to trust that I’m truly not pregnant, since AF doesn’t come until a few days after I stop taking progesterone. I always worry that I didn’t wait long enough, that there is a chance I was pregnant, but would miscarry due to low progesterone. That combined with a hpt test strip that had a sneaky little shadow sent me to my RE’s office for a blood draw. A different nurse than usual called me back. The first thing I noticed about her was a her bump. She is pregnant. Ouch. So I stared at that adorable belly while she took my blood sample.
My non-hcg containing blood sample. Less than two hours later I started spotting. I got the confirmation call late this afternoon. Then the nurse went on to ask hesitantly, “So are you going to be taking a month off, or…”
Take a month off? Do people really do that? This will be month 18 of TTC, why in the world would I waste a month at this point?
I’m still waiting for absolute confirmation that insurance won’t cover the hormone injections, but it’s most likely I’ll start on femara on CD 3. I’m trying to be hopeful. But I’m not there yet.
In addition to this unhappiness, I have strep throat. I feel like I’ve swallowed a razor blade. Also, I had to work late and then drive home in the dark (not good–I’m night-blind) AND the snow. Yes, snow. Plus, a good friend on one of my forums appears to be having her third chemical pregnancy. It’s heartbreaking to think that she’ll have to go through all of this again.
The only thing that made this day bearable? A good friend on a forum thread I started got her BFP today! She was going to have to have surgery to remove her gallbladder next month and then put off TTC for awhile, so it’s perfect timing. I couldn’t be happier for her!
It’s funny, that I can be so jealous of that nurse, and so happy for woman I’ve never met in the “real world”. I told my friend today that the difference was that I don’t yet “like” the nurse (because I don’t know her–she wasn’t rude or anything, just not overtly friendly), and I do like my friend. A group of us have become very close and we truly share in each others joys and sorrows.
So this month my journey ends bitterly, but seeing my friend’s succeed makes dulls my disappointment. It will happen. It just didn’t this time around.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 29th, 2011 at 7:53 pm and is filed under Hoping to be Blessed Twice.
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Tags: Hoping to be Blessed Twice, ttc
About the Author: MeAsAMommy
I'm a 29 year old mother from Indiana. I've been married since 2004 and in 2009, my husband and I had our son. We hope to be blessed with another child soon!
Thanks TJ…I actually don’t have PCOS, I suffer from unexplained secondary infertility. I would love to be TTC buddies though, if you like!
This TTC thing is so difficult. Why didn’t anyone tell us it was going to be so hard? We are on our 20 month TTC and it is so frustrating and baffling for me to understand why it is not happening. And mostly I just ask myself, “why me?” Why is it so hard for me to get pregnant? I have PCOS and have tried a year with no help, 3 months of clomid, 3 months of more trying with no help and these last 2 months trying Progesterone cream. It kills me to see another one of my friends from high school or relative announce their happy news of baby on the way! It breaks my heart every time and makes me want to curse them through the winds! But instead, I plaster a smile on my face or choke down my bitterness and say congratulations! I always have to remind them though at how fortunate they are because they just really have NO IDEA how blessed they are and how so many of us struggle! I will be praying for all my TTC sisters on here and I pray that all of us get to experience that joy soon!
I’m praying for you too Erika, I really hope you get some good news soon! *BABY DUST*
I am so sorry that you are experiencing these troubles with ttc. It always breaks my heart when I come across other women who suffer from PCOS. Yes, I too have that horrible monster that has made my life feel like a living h*ll. It was diagnosed in me when I was 20 years old and I was told that I woud need to start trying then if I wanted to have children at any point in my life as after I turned 30 it would not be possible for me to conceive. Well little did my Dr. at that time know but I am 38 and I have been preg. 4 times all after I turned 30 (within the past 4 years actually), the only thing is I miscarried all 4. So… I look at it like this back then they didn’t know alot about PCOS and he was not one who specialized in it. There is hope for those of us who have this dreadful thing! My Dr. now is a specialist who is very qualified to deal with PCOS (he is among the 2,000 Dr.’s / specialists in this country, who have done fellowships as part of their education).
I completely understand your frustrations and sadness that you experience and if you like we could be ttc buddies and pcos sistas (so to speak). I firmly believe that if you put positive in you get positive out. (Read Joyce Meyers “Battlefield of the Mind”, I am reading it now and though it doesn’t deal directly with the illness of PCOS it does deal with emotions and thoughts that we all have from time to time.)
Anywho… On a little bit of a different note! I have been using progesterone cream myself as well and just added green tea to the mix. I take my bbt and chart it and have been doing some research into other aides like Preseed (shows very positive outcomes) within the first 3 months of people using it. Another that I am still researching is Evening Primrose Oil (not to sure about this one yet). Anyway I figure that this can all help accompolish the goal.
Sticky, Sticky Baby Dust to us Both!!!
TJ
I’m so sorry it’s been such a rough journey for you. I have heard a lot of woman get pregnant while taking a break, so I hope that’s true for you! I know how frustrating it is to not have the money for the treatments we need and want. Best of luck to you!
We are on our 16 month ttc but taking a break from medicine. It just is too much at this moment in time for us. :-( Especially since HSG is in my future and an RE when both are not covered by insurance.