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My husband has performance anxiety - what do I do? I can't handle it.

My husband and I had a miscarriage about nine months ago and it was early so it was considered a "chemical pregnancy" so we immediately started trying for another little one and have continued to do the entire nine months. I just want to say TTC has been ABSOLUTE HELL, not fun what so ever. I thought it would be so great - I enjoy us and was happy to jump on more time with him "BDing"... but my husband has SEVERE performance anxiety.... Most of the time he can't perform at all. Most times I am understanding - but I can't help but become frustrated after never getting anything and failing to make a baby. I have seen where people recommend hiding when you ovulate.. but for one my husband knows my cycle, understands the body and will track it himself and for two.. this happens all month long, not just with fertile time. It's gotten so bad lately.. that he wakes me up in the middle of sleeping just to let the spermies go and then done so that we get our fertile days in.

6 Answers • 10 years ago


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Oooh how frustrating for you and your poor hubby :(

Have you tried spicing things up a little bit??

10 years ago


Aww hun im so sorry for how you must be feeling. I cant say i have been through this situation but i can understand your frustration. Last month when i ovulated i told my hubby and he said he was TIRED. Safe to say wedidnt have sex at all for 2 weeks after that comment lol

In regards to your situation i dont have much to offer. I would suggest talking to him about it if you havent already. There is usually a reason why he may not perform. Does he feel like its his fault your not preg ? Is it lowering his confidence ? Is he stressed at work etc.....
You could try going out for a meal and stopping in a hotel... change of sceanory may help him relax.
Not sure if new kinky underwear may help... spice things up a bit from the norm.
Me and my hubby had too as we were so focused on ttc that sex became a chore not a special time making something so precious. I hope u sort things out hun. Sorry i cant be much help. X

10 years ago


We are already spicy, lol. We are young and newly married this year. I talk to him about it and he just says he is too focused on pleasing me.... but his anxiety is creating his worst nightmare. It's so weird. We have been together a long time, almost seven years... and he has never been like this. It almost happened overnight. At first he was blaming the miscarriage... then fertile period... and now it's just totally out of control.

10 years ago • Post starter


My husband goes through this as well. He hates talking about it, like someone will take away his man card or something. From what he has told me, it's a mixture of stress/anxiety. Like he's carrying this whole ttc thing on his shoulders. He's worried it's his fault, that I'm mad at him. Whenever I get a +opk I play it off a little. (He knows when I start testing and asks me everyday if it was positive or close to positive). When it's positive, I usually say "it's a day or two away." This seems to help a little. We also took a break for 3 months, got our pre ttc selves back. That has probably worked the best. Maybe tell him your taking a break, but still initiate sex when your fertile? ..it's so complicated.

10 years ago


Maybe it would make him feel better if you took the NTNP approach..? We just decided on this and it's already lifted a lot of stress off of both of us. I've studied (not proclaiming to be a professional by ANY means!) sexual psychology in men and it IS like having their man card in jeopardy. It's part of his basic instincts and there's little you can do about fixing his concerns if he's not ready to voice them himself. You're the one person he can completely let his guard down with so that gives you an advantage, but tread lightly so you don't accidentally make him feel worse (I've made that mistake and it was terrible). I never really figured out a good way to approach such a touchy subject so DH and I went through some major counseling that saved our sanity in the matter and put things in perspective on both sides. We finally found us again and it was hard because we let it go so long.

GL and I hope I was helpful!

AP


AP Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but you will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones. - Marcus Aurelius User Image

10 years ago


When it is time it will happen. Stressing will just make it harder. Upon you next upcoming OD plan something fun for it. Calculate the date it should be then for the days around it your not TTC Act like your in your teens again and your hiding from parents trying not to get caught doing the naughty. Make that you goal. Do it in the back seat of the car like teenagers, Sneak into to old room at mom and dad's! Have fun with it. Make a list of place to try with out getting caught. Focus on the fun of that experiment this time and not getting Prego, and if this experiments just so happens to take place over the course of your ovulation who knows! Two line to ya! I challenge you to find a lovers lane and go "parking".


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10 years ago


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